zorathenne | *ponderings*

I'm relaxing here in my room.. Strings of blue and white christmas lights on the walls giving off a nice soft glow ~ I can't *stand* the normally harsh lighting in my room.. Got finished watching QE (just can't live without Queer Eye for the Straight Guy).. Watching Mommy running around the apartment like a nut stringing up the 9th set of christmas lights (she seems to have gotten the light bug from ... somewhere).. and just .. *pondering* stuff..

I'm 30.. I mean.. I'm 30 years old.. I never once in my life thought I would live to see this. When I was young I always thought I would just.. cease to exist before then. And now I have been 30 for the past... 13 days.. *shudder* I'm always finding a 13 somewhere around me.. For the past I think.. 4 or so years ~ yes it would have to have been that long or longer because I was noticing 13's a lot before I moved down here ~ everywhere I looked.. clock.. sign.. address.. whatever.. there was always a 13. I've long since stopped freaking out about it or over~analyzing what it could mean.. though I'm always open to suggestions.. But I'm getting off~track here..

I did happen to say something about how I'm 30.. right? 3 decades of... what..? Have I accomplished anything? Have I found my niche? Am I proud of myself? Am I content? Have I, in a sense, grown up? Where the hell are all these questions coming from? Aren't I supposed to have all the answers?? Or at the least, be halfway to them? WhoWhatWhenWhereWhy~and~How the hell am I?

Maybe it's just me.. But wouldn't one think I should at least see if I have some answers to my questions lying around here in the wonderful chaos that is "Me"? I sit here for a moment, and I search.. But there's no discipline to it. No pattern. No organization. How the hell did I make it this far then..?What the hell was I running on? Fumes? What do I believe in? Is it the same as what I believed in the past? A variation? Or something totally.. what? I know there are answers somewhere in me; I can't have done all my living/decisions/etc. pure spur~of~the~moment. Do I yet know the path I walk? Am I even paying attention to whether I walk in shadow or light? Am I too busy being distracted by what is going on around me rather than what is going on in me?

*blink*

You know what? I think that's part of it..

Oh.. Oh dear.. Everything in "Me" just went... still.. and quiet.. I don't think that has ever happened before. Or if it has I sure hadn't noticed.. Or paid attention, heh..

And I think I see what I need to do to finally make sense out of the answers I know are swirling around in "Me" somewhere.. It's not going to be easy. But I'm going to answer those questions.. Who I am. What I am. When I am. Where I am. Why I am. And How I am. It may take a day.. (hah!).. a (few) months.. Or hell.. even a whole year. But this is something I have to do. And something that I will do. I think I'm going to be selfish this year. I am going to start concentrating on "Me" more. I'm going to finally learn about this "Me" that I am (Oh gawd, more questions).. But ah gads.. how do I start? Where do I begin?!