*ponderings*

[zorathenne]

I'm relaxing here in my room.. Strings of blue and white christmas lights on the walls giving off a nice soft glow ~ I can't *stand* the normally harsh lighting in my room.. Got finished watching QE (just can't live without Queer Eye for the Straight Guy).. Watching Mommy running around the apartment like a nut stringing up the 9th set of christmas lights (she seems to have gotten the light bug from ... somewhere).. and just .. *pondering* stuff..

I'm 30.. I mean.. I'm 30 years old.. I never once in my life thought I would live to see this. When I was young I always thought I would just.. cease to exist before then. And now I have been 30 for the past... 13 days.. *shudder* I'm always finding a 13 somewhere around me.. For the past I think.. 4 or so years ~ yes it would have to have been that long or longer because I was noticing 13's a lot before I moved down here ~ everywhere I looked.. clock.. sign.. address.. whatever.. there was always a 13. I've long since stopped freaking out about it or over~analyzing what it could mean.. though I'm always open to suggestions.. But I'm getting off~track here..

I did happen to say something about how I'm 30.. right? 3 decades of... what..? Have I accomplished anything? Have I found my niche? Am I proud of myself? Am I content? Have I, in a sense, grown up? Where the hell are all these questions coming from? Aren't I supposed to have all the answers?? Or at the least, be halfway to them? WhoWhatWhenWhereWhy~and~How the hell am I?

Maybe it's just me.. But wouldn't one think I should at least see if I have some answers to my questions lying around here in the wonderful chaos that is "Me"? I sit here for a moment, and I search.. But there's no discipline to it. No pattern. No organization. How the hell did I make it this far then..?What the hell was I running on? Fumes? What do I believe in? Is it the same as what I believed in the past? A variation? Or something totally.. what? I know there are answers somewhere in me; I can't have done all my living/decisions/etc. pure spur~of~the~moment. Do I yet know the path I walk? Am I even paying attention to whether I walk in shadow or light? Am I too busy being distracted by what is going on around me rather than what is going on in me?

*blink*

You know what? I think that's part of it..

Oh.. Oh dear.. Everything in "Me" just went... still.. and quiet.. I don't think that has ever happened before. Or if it has I sure hadn't noticed.. Or paid attention, heh..

And I think I see what I need to do to finally make sense out of the answers I know are swirling around in "Me" somewhere.. It's not going to be easy. But I'm going to answer those questions.. Who I am. What I am. When I am. Where I am. Why I am. And How I am. It may take a day.. (hah!).. a (few) months.. Or hell.. even a whole year. But this is something I have to do. And something that I will do. I think I'm going to be selfish this year. I am going to start concentrating on "Me" more. I'm going to finally learn about this "Me" that I am (Oh gawd, more questions).. But ah gads.. how do I start? Where do I begin?!

Comments

[shinjokuroi.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't tell you where to begin the journey, or where it will take you.

All I know is this - when you complete the journey, I'd put extremely heavy odds that you wind up seeing you more in alignment with how (at least) some of us see you.

[msladyice.livejournal.com]

I believe the WhoWhatWhenWhereWhy~and~How evolve as we change. We hardly never notice the change, day by day, week by week or even year by year until we have a reason to look back and compare.

I find often people look ahead to who they want to be and never who they are right now. Now if you can figure this out: Some people are exactly who they want to be but are still trying to reach or become something else. Sometimes who you want to be now, is not the person you will end up being.

[pimpsta-steve.livejournal.com]

gasps - i couldnt help noticing your comment about aaliyah. you should check my livejournal page...i think enough is said about how i feel about that girl once you view it :) happy new years.