zorathenne | *sigh*

What is wrong with me? I still have that (huge now) entry I was supposed to post. It's just been that kind of week or so for me. I just want to crawl into bed and curl up and forget that I have so much work to do. Can I take a day to forget that the world exists? I know, I'm being so whiny. It's not like my schedule is that filled up. All I have are 2 case studies, 3 exams to study for, and exit preparations to deal with for graduation on the 23rd. But I feel so lethargic. Part of it is because I have to keep finding ways to save and stretch what tiny bit of money I do(n't) have until I find some type of job. And last night, I was stupid enough to actually allow myself one moment to hope. Looking back at it, it's quite funny meh. I was checking my email and got 2 letters from my mommy *bounce*, who is proud I'm graduating and of the award I got from the school for my gpa. She was so sorry that she wouldn't be able to make it down for my graduation, which did make me sniffle a little bit, but she knows I understand. There's no money for her to make the trip down just for that and there's so much stuff she has to take care of at the house back in NY. But on a brighter note, my aunt Lillie who also lives in NY is graduating as well ~ though on the 3rd ~ and Mommy is going to that one along with aunt Grace and other various family members. That's not what had me feeling so bummed out. What did it was that along with the emails I got from Mommy, I got another email saying it was from Colbert. Yes, it was spam mail (what else would it have been), but it caught me off guard and made me blink. The first thought that popped through my head was "What the hell is my father emailing me for? How the hell did he even get my addy anyway? Did he find out about my graduation?". Then a few other thoughts found their way in, and it became a twisted and somewhat painful game of 'What~if'. When I finally did highlight it and saw in the preview window it was spam, I couldn't delete that sucker fast enough. I felt like such an idiot for allowing myself to even entertain those thoughts. Fucking spam mail. How is it that something like that was able for one quick moment to make me feel like the little girl he abandoned? *shudder* I'm 30 years old, dammit. I'm over all that. I'm over him. I have to be *growls*. I'm not allowed to sit there and hope that for one minute he is going to want to be the father to me he should have been in the beginning. I'm supposed to keep on believing that he is no longer the root of all my fucked up issues. I no longer want to be the twisted little me I used to be who just couldn't trust men no matter how close I was to them growing up or friendship~wise.. Grrr. You fucking bastard. I hate you so much. If you ever fuck over my little sister the way you did me I swear to God I will slit your throat. But you already knew that from when you allowed me to meet her that one time almost 16 years ago. I made damn sure to tell you to never ever hurt her before you walked out my mom's door for the last time.

At least I only felt like that for a little while. And listening to

vernard's voice (much) later on that night made me feel so much better *purr*. I love that dummy so much.. I'm glad I spoke to him as late as I did.. If he'd caught me in the middle of my mental hell, I shudder to think what would have slipped out of my mouth.

*sighgrumble* Anyway.. You'd think that since I'm in class I should be getting some work done.. And today is Friday! 3 day weekend! I get to pick up

oraqle from the airport today! And clean up the upstairs part of the house! And even better.. spend time with Vernard.. *purr*.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Got plans Saturday?

I have to check out the house, but maybe we can do something!

Hrmm.. Well Vernard and I are going to visit my big sis and other momma sometime Saturday, but after that other than me bugging him and otherwise getting on his nerves over the weekend (I finally get him (somewhat) all to myself! *mwahahah*!) I wouldn't mind getting the chance to pouncehuggle you some! *pouncehugglenibble* =)
Whatcha have in mind bootiful?

I forgot you two were doing family stuff Saturday... :-)

I will be there tonight.

Yay! I won't see you tonight but I'll be seeing you prolly Saturday night. Definitely Sunday though =)! *huggle*

*hugs* *pounce* *huggle* there there sweety... Its OK, you are a much stronger person for it and this will someday work in your favor...

<3

*snugglepurr* Thanks bootiful, I needed that hee.. Yeah.. I'm a strong woman *rawr! pouncenibble*.. Just sometimes, I get so tired. Heh, I guess I'm so used to having to be strong, I don't 'know how' to deal when something that should have been so insignifigant happens. Caught me off guard I guess *blush*.

I'm allowed to have an 'off' day (or week), right? I can get away with it. Cause I'm cute! And.. and.. um.. stuff! Yeah!

YA! You're graduating! I wish I could come down and see you.

Yay! I'm graduating! *wiggle* I'm probably not going to the graduation 'ceremony' though. It's only about 30 of us and the school pretty much just throws us a small dinner party like thing *grin*. I'll just be going to hand in my laptop and they can mail me my graduation papers in the mail and all hehe.. I'll probably celebrate my graduation in a small pleasant way with my Oraqle and Vernard and other assorted friends. And of course with you and all my other bootiful Lj family *hugglecuddle*. I'll take pics and everything =).

Now I'm looking forward to pictures, I def. want to see pictures.

I love that dumy so much...

*sigh*

I love you too. You honey-eyed beauty....

Hee.. Keep that up and I might just keep you forever and forever and forever and forever and forever and forever and fore~ ah.. You get the point *giggle*.
*nuzzlenibble*

*twirl* He called me a honey~eyed beauty *wigglegiggle*..

sigh

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