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Dec. 9th, 2003 10:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zorathenneI don't think I have ever been so.. so.. infuriated at my own mother in my entire life..
I still can not believe I typed that sentence.. But I can not deny it. Nor can I take it back so easily.
My Great~Aunt Helen passed away this evening. Now normally a death in the family rarely sparks such an emotion of anger. But this death has a story ~ which I will try to spare you the first 29 or so chapters of. Helen was my father's aunt. When my father left and when my mother's divorce to him became final, it seemed his whole family just turned their backs on her.. and on me to an extent. The only ones who did not do so were my Great~Uncle Louie (who has long since passed on) and my Great~Aunt. They pretty much doted on me from since I was very small. My aunt would always want to know how I was, and would be so happy whenever my mother and I would visit. Now I'm sure the relationship with my aunt looks (so far) all peachy~keen.. and where it concerned *me* it was. But as a few of my *close* friends understand, my father's side of the family was never really the most.. *cough* stable (neither is my mother's, but that's another story). And eventually my aunt wanted to only concentrate on just me. She would hint that it would be nice if I would just come sometime to visit without my mom. That, though, wasn't going to happen if my mother could help it. So.. my mother.. while I can't really say she tried to keep me away from her.. she would no longer encourage visits.
Fast forward to this evening..
I'm downstairs eating dinner while Mom is taking care of stuff upstairs.. The phone rings and when I pick it up, there is an operator on the line explaining this is an emergency call from a Marcia Wells.. Donnie's mother.. Even though I do have a cousin named Donnie on my father's side, the first name of the person she was calling for wasn't correct.. The last name was though.. So I tell the operator to hold one moment and I put mom on the phone. Come to find out the call was for my mother. Marcia just told my mother that something horrible had happened and wouldn't explain further other to give her a telephone number to dial which was pretty much a dead end (we weren't able to get through). So Mom calls back and Marcia tells her that Aunt Helen had died. They talked for a few minutes more about Helen and Freddie (her nephew who had became her 'son' since his parents passed when he was young) and Mom wrote down when the wake was. After a bit they hung up..
But here is where my anger comes in. During the telephone conversation, my mother would not let me make any noise. She did NOT want my father's family to know I was in Bay Shore. She would not let me talk to Marcia on the phone and she had insisted to Marcia that there would be no way she could go to the wake/funeral because she was leaving on Thursday to go on vacation and there would be no way to change plans.. She told Marcia that she would pass the news along to me and would have me send a sympathy card..
I could just sit there with my jaw hanging open. My mother KNOWS how much my aunt meant to me. Even if it meant missing my birthday in Philly, I would have wanted to go to at *least* the wake. I know I would see my father's family and maybe even my father and my half~sister. But I wouldn't want to go just for that opportunity. I want to go just so that I can say goodbye to my Aunt. But I will not have that chance. Mom is insistent we are leaving Thursday and when I told her my feelings on the matter she pretty much gave me a small smile, told me too bad, get over it and grow up. Granted there are *other* reasons why she wants to hurry and get back to Georgia and I stressed to her I completely understand and won't argue them (otherwise tonight would have ended MUCH differently). But she would not validate my feelings about my aunt. I know why she is hesistant to have any contact with my father's side of the family and I really can not blame her.. Mom said that saying goodbye to Helen here in the house was just as good as going to the wake and I swear I almost threw something at her.. I just got so.. *angry*..
*inhales/exhales*
Dammit.. Maybe my father should have died.. Then I could have just felt absolutely *nothing*
*sigh* Later on she finally got the idea about how I was feeling and we did talk some.. Why the hell should she care if my father and his family knows I'm here. I don't have to have anything to do with them past small pleasantries and seeing my aunt for that final time. She is so afraid that they will try to ... It sounds almost stupid.. but she's so worried that they will do what they can to cling to me and take advantage of me, for one thing. She keeps forgetting I'm *grown* enough to know how to handle myself and deal with them. I don't owe them a goddamn thing. I *know* that. They have no claim on me. Ever. There is the subject of a certain inheritance that is supposed to come to me through my father when he dies that his sister was trying to get me to relinquish all claim to. Truthfully, I don't give a damn whether I get it or not. But just to spite that woman for how she treated her own parents I refused to sign anything she would try to put in front of me. Not that my father's family were rich or anything, but whatever comes to me from them I can do without.
*sighsniff* The main thing is I can't really *grieve*. It's just not fair. Gawd I sound like a bratty child. Well hell, maybe I do. I mean.. I know my aunt and her family aren't perfect. But I just miss my aunt. And I want to go say goodbye.
I've stopped caring if I've been making any sense about this since the second sentence.. If it just looks like I've been rambling.. I'm sorry..
I still can not believe I typed that sentence.. But I can not deny it. Nor can I take it back so easily.
My Great~Aunt Helen passed away this evening. Now normally a death in the family rarely sparks such an emotion of anger. But this death has a story ~ which I will try to spare you the first 29 or so chapters of. Helen was my father's aunt. When my father left and when my mother's divorce to him became final, it seemed his whole family just turned their backs on her.. and on me to an extent. The only ones who did not do so were my Great~Uncle Louie (who has long since passed on) and my Great~Aunt. They pretty much doted on me from since I was very small. My aunt would always want to know how I was, and would be so happy whenever my mother and I would visit. Now I'm sure the relationship with my aunt looks (so far) all peachy~keen.. and where it concerned *me* it was. But as a few of my *close* friends understand, my father's side of the family was never really the most.. *cough* stable (neither is my mother's, but that's another story). And eventually my aunt wanted to only concentrate on just me. She would hint that it would be nice if I would just come sometime to visit without my mom. That, though, wasn't going to happen if my mother could help it. So.. my mother.. while I can't really say she tried to keep me away from her.. she would no longer encourage visits.
Fast forward to this evening..
I'm downstairs eating dinner while Mom is taking care of stuff upstairs.. The phone rings and when I pick it up, there is an operator on the line explaining this is an emergency call from a Marcia Wells.. Donnie's mother.. Even though I do have a cousin named Donnie on my father's side, the first name of the person she was calling for wasn't correct.. The last name was though.. So I tell the operator to hold one moment and I put mom on the phone. Come to find out the call was for my mother. Marcia just told my mother that something horrible had happened and wouldn't explain further other to give her a telephone number to dial which was pretty much a dead end (we weren't able to get through). So Mom calls back and Marcia tells her that Aunt Helen had died. They talked for a few minutes more about Helen and Freddie (her nephew who had became her 'son' since his parents passed when he was young) and Mom wrote down when the wake was. After a bit they hung up..
But here is where my anger comes in. During the telephone conversation, my mother would not let me make any noise. She did NOT want my father's family to know I was in Bay Shore. She would not let me talk to Marcia on the phone and she had insisted to Marcia that there would be no way she could go to the wake/funeral because she was leaving on Thursday to go on vacation and there would be no way to change plans.. She told Marcia that she would pass the news along to me and would have me send a sympathy card..
I could just sit there with my jaw hanging open. My mother KNOWS how much my aunt meant to me. Even if it meant missing my birthday in Philly, I would have wanted to go to at *least* the wake. I know I would see my father's family and maybe even my father and my half~sister. But I wouldn't want to go just for that opportunity. I want to go just so that I can say goodbye to my Aunt. But I will not have that chance. Mom is insistent we are leaving Thursday and when I told her my feelings on the matter she pretty much gave me a small smile, told me too bad, get over it and grow up. Granted there are *other* reasons why she wants to hurry and get back to Georgia and I stressed to her I completely understand and won't argue them (otherwise tonight would have ended MUCH differently). But she would not validate my feelings about my aunt. I know why she is hesistant to have any contact with my father's side of the family and I really can not blame her.. Mom said that saying goodbye to Helen here in the house was just as good as going to the wake and I swear I almost threw something at her.. I just got so.. *angry*..
*inhales/exhales*
Dammit.. Maybe my father should have died.. Then I could have just felt absolutely *nothing*
*sigh* Later on she finally got the idea about how I was feeling and we did talk some.. Why the hell should she care if my father and his family knows I'm here. I don't have to have anything to do with them past small pleasantries and seeing my aunt for that final time. She is so afraid that they will try to ... It sounds almost stupid.. but she's so worried that they will do what they can to cling to me and take advantage of me, for one thing. She keeps forgetting I'm *grown* enough to know how to handle myself and deal with them. I don't owe them a goddamn thing. I *know* that. They have no claim on me. Ever. There is the subject of a certain inheritance that is supposed to come to me through my father when he dies that his sister was trying to get me to relinquish all claim to. Truthfully, I don't give a damn whether I get it or not. But just to spite that woman for how she treated her own parents I refused to sign anything she would try to put in front of me. Not that my father's family were rich or anything, but whatever comes to me from them I can do without.
*sighsniff* The main thing is I can't really *grieve*. It's just not fair. Gawd I sound like a bratty child. Well hell, maybe I do. I mean.. I know my aunt and her family aren't perfect. But I just miss my aunt. And I want to go say goodbye.
I've stopped caring if I've been making any sense about this since the second sentence.. If it just looks like I've been rambling.. I'm sorry..
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Date: 2003-12-10 09:11 am (UTC)If there is anything I can do luv, let me know! ***huggies and smoochies***
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Date: 2003-12-13 03:18 am (UTC)